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The Meister King of Burnt Orange
By E. B. Alston
Burnt Orange is a tiny principality in North Carolina. It consists of a house and lot on Highway 70 in North Carolina between and Efland and Mebane. King Charles, King of Burnt Orange is a most annoying man. The Goddesses Nondice, the Goddess of Dependable People, and Opal, the Goddess of Sex and Hilarity, engage Di Bona Fide, Tinsmith of the Gods, to fabricate a helm designed to make King Charles allow his daughter, Princess Francine, to get a life. The events depicted could have occurred anytime in history. They could occur anytime in the future. Who knows?
I donít know why in the world I was assigned a book review. I donít do book reviews. Iím a serious columnist. ďPeople hang on to my every word to make their lives better,Ē I told the boss. But he just said, ďI need it yesterday, Minerva!Ē So ,here goes.
Folks! I couldnít make heads NOR tails out of this tale. The Introduction says Burnt Orange is a principality in North Carolina but there is no prince in the book. This principality is presided over by a King who should have been dethroned on the honeymoon. (You wonít understand this until you read the book.) The only reason the Queen puts up with him is because she does as she pleases and he doesnít even seem to notice. Or maybe he does and he likes it that way.
There is a princess, a timid 45 year old virgin, whose Daddy wonít let her leave the family palace. Now, how sick is that? I ask you! Itís no wonder the goddesses are having so much fun with this crowd. And those goddesses! Especially Opal, the Goddess of Sex and Hilarity. Well, okay, I pictured myself in that role and let me tell you I could do a better job than Opal! I saw lots of possibilities in Burnt Orange.
I think I missed my calling. I would be a better sex goddess than Opal or even Bridget Jones. (You had to see that movie to understand and, of course, Bridget was a different kind of sex goddess.) I would love to have Opalís abilities for even one day. What havoc I could create! (Iíd have lots of people writing in for advice then.)
Minerva P. Shaw, Book Reviewer Extraordinaire
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